Christmas Ornament Inventory Part 2

Continuing on with my inventory of Christmas ornaments and all the random stories, memories and thoughts I have attached to them....

Side note:  but if this was Harry Potter and this blog was my pensieve, just IMAGINE all the brain space I am going to free up by putting these memories down HERE rather than carrying them around in my brain.....

Nobody cares anyway.  (But they might!)

These are my stories, I suppose, so I'm writing them down.

Also, it's just weird to go over a lot of this.  For somebody that hasn't spoken to her mother in over 15 years WHY do I keep talking about her?  

No, I am in no way reconsidering the state of that relationship.  But when you're little your holidays are connected to your mother and father.  There's just no ignoring that.  

If you're wondering, I'm racking my brain for memories of my Dad and I swear the only memories of him I can come up with at Christmas (at least during the "good" years) is of him getting tools and flannel shirts as gifts and then of him assembling toys.  Mostly, I feel like he complained a lot whenever there were lots of decals involved.  

Funnily enough, these days, when Matt assemblies toys for our kids, he always makes ME do the decals.  

Hahah.

Anyway, so I mentioned already that the bottom half of my mother's tree featured lots and lots of these hand beaded silk bulb ornaments.  My Grandmother's tree had them too.  I guess in the late 60's or early 70's these kits were all the rage.  

They were really pretty ornaments.

They were always some of my favorites.  

It was what it was.

But then my cousin, who was born while I was in college, making her like 18 years younger than me, or so, actually inspired this next bunch.  You see, the year Matt and I came home from Japan (2006) we found ourselves in Georgia for about a month so that Matt could do some training.  While we were there we decided to take the long Columbus day weekend and visit my family down in Florida.  

The last time we'd seen them had been 2 years earlier at our wedding blessing.

My cousin, was about 9.

And somewhere in the span of that visit we got to discussing our Grandma's Christmas Tree.  I guess Julie had a habit of going over to visit our Grandma and helping her to decorate her tree  She couldn't help but tell me that he favorite ornaments were Grandma's beaded ones as well.

I don't know why, but this struck me.

It's odd sometimes to think that I lived my entire childhood with my Grandparents (except my Grandpa passed away when I was 9) as just mine and Steve's grandparents.  And then, right about the time that we were grown my Uncle had his kids and then Grandma did the whole entire Grandparent thing AGAIN.

Only this time I wasn't really a part of it, because I was basically grown and also married to the Navy and moving a lot and always living really, really far away.

But even with my younger cousin, so many of the memories would be the same.

Like those silk beaded ornaments.

A few months later at Christmas, when I put up my own tree I became desperate to have some of those beaded ornaments for myself.  I did a lot of searching and eventually found a website selling similar kits on line.  I started out with around a dozen.  Several have fallen apart in the nearly 10 years since, probably because I move too much and am not careful enough with them.  Probably because I am too lazy to go back in and fix them too.  Whatever  Maybe some day, right?  

Here are the ones I have:

Only 8 of them now..

But they're still pretty.

And they remind me of the beaded ones from my childhood and that's what counts anyway.

* * * * * * * * *

In another instance of me trying to find ones like the ones I remember from my childhood I have these three clear glass ones.

Like I said last time, my mom had a clear glass bulb and a clear glass dolphin.  There might have been others too, but those are the ones I remember.  She usually hung them at the bottom of the tree so they hung down above the tree skirt.  They reflected the colored lights from the tree above them beautifully.  When I was little, we used to put our tree up in the living room front window.  The register vent from the heat was right next to it.  On the other side of the vent was the front door.  I used to sit on the register vent as much as possible to soak up the warmth when the furnace was running in the winter.

And at Christmas I would lay on it.  Smashed there on a tiny rectangle of metal, between the front door and over crowded Christmas tree I would lay with the heat blowing through my hair and stare up at the Christmas tree.  The ornaments on the bottom fascinated me.  From underneath, the tree didn't look so busy.  The glass bulb looked just like a bubble and the dolphin sparkled with light.  The beaded ones twinkled as they dangled.  The little, sloppy, egg carton bell hung in the back, on the bottom.  The blob of glitter shining brightly.  The red velvet bow, always ever so slightly crooked, where it had been glued in place years before by my tiny fingers.

It was magic.

As a child I don't remember laying there wishing for gifts.

(Who knows maybe I did.)

But what I remember is jut being mesmerized by the beauty of the season.

So, in the fall of 1997, I was a sophomore in college.  I was, frankly a bit lost.  I knew that I wanted to study music, but I wasn't doing well in the theory class I had decided to try that quarter.  I'd been cut from the marching band that year and effectively separated from my friends who were in.  I'd moved into a nice apartment with a friend that year, but it never really felt like mine.  I felt little homeless and a bit like I didn't really belong anywhere.  When I'd moved out, my Mom had moved to a smaller apartment.  There no longer even was a room at "home" for me to go home too.  

I was dating a few different boys casually, but the one I liked the most was on and endless string of excuses.  Then, one weekend he'd invited me to go home with him for his high school homecoming.  That sounds completely stupid now actually.  And this story is completely stupid too, especially the part where after I'd cleared my work schedule for the whole entire weekend to be with him and he'd back out of taking me.  

I'd found myself with an entire weekend free and not one thing to do with it.  

Keep in mind... I got my first job when I was 15 and, at the time, I NEVER had an entire day free- without either class, or work or, more likely, both- ever.  Not ever.

So at the time, an entire weekend free was just, unheard of.

In the end, my room mate and I did what anybody would do in that situation.  We took our newly acquired first credit cards and went shopping.  I'm sure we bought lots of thoroughly 90's style clothes and, also, somewhere in there I found myself in a Pier One Imports where I bought these three ornaments:

The two hand painted music bulbs were an obvious choice.  They are still a couple of my favorites.  Probably some of the first ornaments of my own that I purchased as an adult.  And so pretty.

But I also got this "Bubble."  It reminded me so completely of the one like it that my mother had.  I couldn't even help myself.

I don't think I did the best job capturing the colors reflecting in the glass for the picture, but you get the idea.

 * * * * * * * * * *

So there was that.

And now, seeing as I'm going to all the trouble writing all this now, you're probably not going to believe this, but the funny thing is, once I was an adult, I actually didn't put up a tree at all for a good several years.

To review.  I lived at home when I was a freshman in college (1996), so obviously I didn't do my own tree then.  The following year (1997), I moved in with my friend, and we got my first ever LIVE Christmas tree.  We decorated it too and it was beautiful.  I had white pearly looking lights on it.  I remember watching quite a few movies under the lights of that tree that Christmas, when Matt and I were starting to date.

The next year (1998,) I'd moved in with Matt.  We were busy.  We split the holiday between his parents house and my mom's apartment and I left right after Christmas for the Sugar Bowl with the marching band, so I'm sure we didn't have a tree.  I think I rigged up something in our living room on the wall with lights.  Hahah.

The next year (1999,) Matt was graduating and getting ready to leave for the Navy.  I was working at Victoria Secret's at the mall.  I bought a couple ornaments (Donald Duck playing the cymbals and a Military one) but I really don't think I hung them anywhere....

The following year (2000,) we were in Texas.  Matt came home from his first ever mini-deployment on December 15th.  I did decorate the house.  I just didn't do a tree.

The following year (2001,) we were still in Texas, but we drove home for Christmas, so no tree then either.  That was the year we got engaged.  

In 2002, Matt was in San Diego and I was still in Texas.  We'd gotten married at Thanksgiving and we went home after Christmas for a visit because of the leave rotations on Matt's ships.  Matt had a little two foot artificial  tree which we threw a few lights and maybe a half dozen ornaments on.

In 2003 we stayed home for the entire season, and I'm sure I decorated the little tree again.  Somewhere in there I bought a couple cute ornaments for the first time in years.

Then FINALLY in 2004 we found ourselves in Japan.  We got a LIVE tree again and it was the first time I put a real tree in years.  

We've done one ever since, of course, and slowly I've built up my ornament collection.

It's just really weird to look back and realize how many years I did nothing with it at all.  :)

Really, I don't think it was until about 2007, when I started teaching again, and also acting like a grown up for the first time, ever, really, that I even thought about getting Hallmark ornaments.

My friend had this ENTIRE box of Hallmark ornaments from her childhood.  I was kind of jealous of her collection and I resolved to start me own ASAP.

The ones I have been collecting for myself, recently are as follows:

COOKIE CUTTERS-

So about 4 years ago, Hallmark came out with this series of cookie cutters and mice living inside them.  I guess they remind me of the mouse in the pine cone from my mom's tree so I started collecting them.

Also, I tend to make a pretty big deal out of my Christmas Sugar Cookie Cut outs, so there's that too. Haha.

So cute.

* * * * * * * *

Also, about 5 years ago, Hallmark came out with a series based on the 12 Days of Christmas.

Now, a couple things about this.

1.  My mom had this glass ornament.  It was a pear with a partridge inside of it.  I remember wondering why she didn't have any of the other days represented.

2.  When I was in 11th grade, there was this whole thing when I realized I didn't know all the words to the 12 Days of Christmas.  Some friends and I had been at lunch or work or something and were trying to figure them out, but none of us could remember the order or what all the gifts were. This was, of course, the days basically before the internet was useful and I doubt if yahoo or google even existed yet so there was no super easy way to find an answer to a question like that short of either finding a knowledgeable grown up some place or straight going to the library and doing actual research.  

It was, hysterical.

In the end, my one friend had found a Christmas card that had all the gifts drawn out.  On the inside she'd written, "I hope this helps you keep track of all 12 of those days."

I have no idea why, but it was kind of special.

I wonder if I still have that card some place.  (If I don't, I kind of wish I still did.)

3.  When I was teaching music in the public school before Peter came along, I always did a big lesson on Holiday songs in December.  Being public school, I taught the children several Hanukah songs, and huge variety of Christmas carols from all over the world in many different languages.  We sang about Kwanzaa.  We sang about winter.  We sang about pinatas and lights and never, ever sang about Jesus.  

In 4th grade though, we did the 12 days of Christmas.  It was always fun and silly to have the kids actually sing through the whole entire thing.  Then I'd promise candy to any kid who could figure out how many total gifts the person gets.  (Nobody ever got it right.)

I kind of love that song you see.  

So naturally, when Hallmark came out with the series of ornaments, I jumped right in.

The partridge 

Two turtle doves

The french hens (3)

The calling bird (4)

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!!!!!

Hahah.

It's weird to think it's been 5 years already.

Scarier still to think this series won't be done for 7 more years.

GASP.  I'll be 44.

Wow.

* * * * * * * * *

I cheated on this last set.

I bought them all at once on eBay just a couple of years ago.

The thing is, (and I already mentioned this some where up above) a gajillion years ago, I worked at Victoria's Secret at the mall one Christmas.  That year I *think* that's the year I bought a couple Hallmark ornaments for myself, including one of Donald Duck playing the cymbals, because *duh* I played the cymbals in marching band.

It wasn't for several years, probably not until after Peter was born that I was putsing around on Hallmark ornament collectors websites that I realized it was even part of a series from about 1997-2002ish.  It was several more years still until I found the set for a really good price and bought it.  

Mickey's whole band.  I do love a good marching band.

Daisy the Drum Major

Minnie and her flute

Goofy on Tuba

Mickey on bass drum

Donald on Cymbals

Pluto with his triangle.

Christmas Ornament Inventory Part 1

Every year when I put up our Christmas tree, I look through the ornaments and am filled with so many memories.  Though most of our ornaments our mass produced Hallmark, they were each chosen for a reason and sometimes it makes me sad that I am really the only one who know those reasons.  Each ornament has a story.  I started thinking about this last year.  Peter and A.J. were so excited to see each ornament.  They wanted to know the story behind each one.  But they were 4 and 5 last year, and their ability to listen to my ramblings was limited.

This year, once again, they were thrilled to study each precious ornament as they came out of storage. At 5 and 6 now, they wanted to know why I chose each of their ornaments, but also, they just wanted to get around to hanging them.  Lucy, at 2, was taking a nap when we put most of the ornaments on the tree, and all she wants to do is push the buttons on any of them that make sounds over and over and over and over again anyway.

So I got the idea last year to start a little "log" book about our ornaments.  I started taking pictures of our ornaments last year, but of course, I was working, so I never got very far with the project.  And here we are now, just about 2 weeks until Christmas again.  The tree has been up for just over a week now and I have the same urge to make a record about our Christmas treasures, but I haven't gotten anywhere with the project.

Until now.

Yesterday I went through and photographed the ornaments that I still needed pictures of.  Now all that's left is for me to post them all.

Hopefully, someday, this record will still exist for my children to look back on as they decorate their own trees with those passed down ornaments some day.

If this is mind numbingly boring to you, I apologize.  I write this blog for myself first, my children second, my family third, and anybody else who might care to read it fourth.  That's the way it always has been and that's the way it's going to continue.  

When I was done photographing ornaments, I had roughly 100 pictures to share.

That seemed like a lot so I started sorting them into separate files based on random categories.  Some of these categories make more sense than others, but, it is what it is.

Just go with it.

* * * * * * * * * *

ORNAMENTS FROM MY CHILDHOOD:

To begin with, my mother's Christmas tree was some sort of work of art.  It was decorated almost exactly the same each year, with the exception of any few new ornaments she got each year or any of the brightly colored glass bulbs that she replaced with new every few years.  Each branch had an ornament. And some bulbs.  And most of them had an icicle.  Then there was tinsel.

Looking back on it, I sometimes wonder how our artificial tree didn't suffocate.

I was talking to some dance moms the other day as we were working on Nutcracker costumes and I made the remark that I need A.J.'s teacher to put the finishing touches and rhinestones on her solo costume because if it was up to me I will go SO COMPLETELY overboard and it will just end up ridiculous and gaudy.

I guess I know where I get it from.

Matt seems to think our tree is over decorated too actually.  Boy does he have no idea.

Also, this is also why I keep telling him we need a bigger tree.  Ours is 7 feet tall, but it's a skinny one and this leads the ornaments to get very crowded together.

But that's not the point.

My point is that when I was a child I remember fondly searching those branches for my favorite ornaments.  There were a few that were "mine" and then there were a lot that I just wished were mine. There were all these hand beaded silk bulbs.  There was a little girl on a swing between two snow covered pine trees.  (My Grandma's tree had that ornament too.)  There was a little mouse living inside a pine cone.  There was a glass bubble and a glass dolphin.  

There were two little ceramic figurines, a boy and a girl, for both me and my brother.  There was a little white, glittery, egg crate bell I made my mom in Sunday school.  

I kind of wish my mother had passed those last two along to me.  But then again, even though my relationship with her shattered so many years ago, I think I understand why she maybe needed to keep a couple things from when her babies were babies.

Anyway, in college some time, she did pass along a few ornaments to me.  Most of them were junky, cheap ones that she hadn't actually put on her tree in years.  There were a few nice ones though too.

I guess this was my Baby's First Christmas Ornament.  It has my name engraved and I think, a date on the back.
It's cute.  I usually put it some place on the back of my tree now because my own kids' ornaments take the prime spots.
I like to look at though and envision my mother picking it out and myself as a tiny little girl so many years ago.  Sometimes it's good to remember where you came from.

I'm certain my mother gave this one to me because it was one of the junky ones she didn't like anymore.  It is kind of junky plastic actually.  But I always loved this little angel.  My mother, as I mentioned, always decorated her tree the same way:  up at the top was the star and then came all the angel ornaments.  In the middle went the Santa Clauses and then towards the bottom came everything else.  This little angel slept on the side rung of the star.  I always thought it was so cute.  Our star is metal and I've never been able to rig the angel to sleep on it, so instead I usually put him just beneath the star, nestled in among those tightly knit top branches.  I still think he's sweet.

My little drummer boy bulb.  As a kid, our tree had two of these.  My brother's had Snoopy and Woodstock sledding inside his.  Mine was this one.  I was always super jealous of Steve's Snoopy one when I was little, but as I grew up to love music and be on the drum line in college, this one seemed more appropriate for me anyway and I grew to love it.  Also, isn't it cute?

Our tree as kids, eventually did feature several hand made children's crafts.  There was my egg crate bell.  Steve and I made beaded candy canes and a wreath at and two wooden clothespin reindeer at our church youth group one year.  I remember clearly, actually, making those ornaments.  Well... NOT clearly, anymore.  But I remember well enough, I suppose.  I have the beaded ones now, on the back of my tree buried somewhere, but I don't know what happened to the reindeer.  There's also a little toy soldier sun catcher that I have.  Steve brought it home in third grade.  I don't know if he made it or bought it, nor do I know how I ended up with it rather than my brother.  He likely won't remember or care anyway, but I did always think that was weird.  Also, in second grade (I think, Steve made a thumb print reindeer on a little sliver of wood like they cut off the bottom of a live Christmas tree when you buy one.  I wonder what happened to that one.

Anyway, moving on.... in 2nd grade I made this woolly sheep for my mother.

I remember making it pretty clearly as well.  The teacher had all the pieces cut before hand, and the little bow was tied.  We just went in and glued all the pieces together ad then the teacher brought around a hot glue gun to attach the bow for us and also sew on the hanger.  I remember feeling very proud of it.  I remember giving it proudly to my mom that Christmas.  I also remember she never seemed that impressed with it.  That probably explains why I have it now....

 * * * * * * * * * *

It's interesting to me, that Matt, who is in no way nostalgic about such things, has more ornaments from his childhood than I do.  It also took awhile for us to get them.  I'm sure I got my ornaments from my Mom while we were still in college, but Matt didn't get his until after we came home from Japan in 2006.  Maybe that had to do with shipping more than anything else.  The thing is though, he has some cute little ornaments.

He says his Godparents used to give him an ornament every year and that's where they came from.   I don't know if that's true, but I like the idea of it either way.  

Also, it's weird to be sharing my husband's ornaments for him, because unlike mine, I don't really have any stories about them.  I like looking at them and imagining what little Matt must have been like all those years ago before I ever met him.

Santa here is from 1976.  Matt was 1.

This reindeer is dated 1977.  Matt would have been 2.
He seems similar to the Santa, I wonder if they were part of a series.

This little Merry-Go-Round is from 1978.  Matt was 3.  (That was the my first Christmas.)

1980.  Matt would have been 5.  

This one says 1972 and 1979 on the bottom.  Since Matt wasn't born until '75, I assume was from 1979 when Matt was 4.

This one says 1975 and  1979 on the bottom.  So I'm thinking this was from '75 and was Matt's First Christmas.  Maybe.

In any case, I love that he has those two ornaments.  The little boy and girl ornaments my mom had for my brother and I were from that same series..... I think Steve's boy was skiing and the girl was in a sled.  Hmmmm..... hang on.  What century am I living in?  Let me consult the Google and see what I can find.

Yep.  Since the artist's name is on the bottom, and they are dated and have a pretty good memory, they were easy to find.

This was my brothers.

This was mine.  I sure wish I could have it still..... 

That actually makes me wonder if I can find those others my Mom had that I loved....

Yes.  Here is that girl on the swing.  I loved it so much.  Oh the memories.  My mom always got irritated at me because I would push the little girl and make her swing.  Kind of like Lucy is always making the musical ornaments we have now sing.  I guess its the apple and tree, again.

Here's the mouse in the pine cone.  I guess it was part of a series.  I remember clearly being with my mother at Lazarus at Northland mall, up on the 3rd floor when she bought it.  Back when the Lazarus at Northland mall was arguably the most fashionable place to be shopping.  It's a lot like my cookie cutter series that I have going now.  I guess this explains why I started buying those, but I'll get to that later.....

Also, while I am on the topic of ornaments I don't actually have but kind of wish I do, here's a funny little story.  (Matt is going to think I'm crazy on this one, probably....)

So, it was New Years Day of 1998.  Matt and I had kind of started hanging out together a lot over the Christmas break.  It was kind of accidental at first, but as the long three week winter break from college had worn on, he and I found ourselves together on purpose more often than not.  We worked together at the movie theater of course and then we found ourselves going to parties and watching movies and it was all very new and romantic and exciting, except that it was moving very, very slowly....

So, somehow we were both off from work on New Years Day and he invited me down to his parents house for the Holiday to go to church and eat sauerkraut and just generally be with his family.  It was weird.  I knew I wanted to be with him, and I *thought* he wanted to be with me, and everybody in his family seemed to think we were together, but we weren't really yet.  Honestly, we hadn't even kissed yet.  

We spent the day kind of hanging out with his brother and awkwardly holding hands and sneaking forbidden cuddles on his parents couch.  It was nice.  It was sweet.  I still kind of feel butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it, even though, let's face it, that was 250 years ago.  I was 19.  Matt was 22.  Yikes.  Maybe it was closer to 500 years ago.....

My point?  Oh right.  So, at one point that day he and I were snuggling on the sofa when one of his parents enormous dogs had come along and stuck his nose in our faces.  At the time, Matt's parents had these gigantic, fuzzy and really rather dim witted (even for their breed) Golden Retrievers named Bailey and Riley.  They had been bringing us rubber bones to play fetch with all day.  So Matt and I had perked up to get the bone from the dog only to realize there was no bone.  There was something in the dog's mouth, just not a bone.  Matt had wrestled whatever it was from the dogs teeth only to find that it was, in fact, the little drummer boy.  An ornament had fallen off the tree and the dog was attempting to chew it up.

It was, kind of hilarious.

You know, in the way that everything (funny or not) can be kind of hilarious when your in a new, butterflies-in-the-stomach part of a relationship.

The Drummer boy, slightly more chewed up for his adventure, went back on the tree and that was that.  To my memory (and by searching "1980's Hallmark Little Drummer Boy Ornament" in the google" this was that ornament:

Matt's mother is probably reading this and thinking she NEVER had an
ornament anything like this, and that I am completely crazy.....

When we've been home for the Holidays ever since, I always kind of looked for that ornament.  Such a silly memory, but one from the very beginning of Matt's and my life together.  I never did see that ornament again.  For all I know his mother tossed it due to the teeth marks.  Or maybe it got passed along to another brother.  But in any case, I kind of wish I had it, to remember that day by.  

That's silly probably.


Right.  So where was I?  Back to reality and ornaments I actually DO have.....

This snowman is the last of the special ornaments of Matt's.  I think there was once a whole set of them and his mother divided them up among the boys.  He has a hole in his butt that you can stick a tree bulb in and make him glow.  He makes me happy.  Just look at his little smile and his cheerful yellow scarf.  My kids like him too.  They ask me to move him around to different bulbs and make him change colors.  

 * * * * * * * * * *

So, then, that brings me to another category.  My Motherhood ornaments.  

You see, that year Peter was born was kind of a lot for me.  I think it is probably like that for anybody when they have their first child.  But for me there was more.  For me, for a long time before that, FAMILY was kind of an ugly word.  The word MOTHER certainly was too.  I'm sorry that's hard for a lot of you to hear, or read, but it was the truth.  There was just too much bad history and bad blood and pain and heart ache and regrets and....  I don't really need to go on.

I have forgiven.  I have.

I have moved on as well.

Truly.

But sometimes when I person, or people are just really toxic in your life you have to cut them out. That's just the way it is.  Recognizing that they are HORRIBLE for you does not negate the forgiveness.  It also doesn't erase the GOOD memories that you do have of them.  This whole thing comes up for me every year, especially at Christmas.  So much of my efforts at the Holidays are about me trying o recapture the good feelings and memories of my childhood Christmases.  Because there were also a lot of really awful memories at the Holidays, but those don't cancel out the good times either.

So, in any case, when I had Peter, I had to figure out that being a mother was a good thing.  That the word mother was not a bad one.

I bought this ornament for myself that first year to remind myself.

"tis a gift to be a mom"

Ain't that the truth.

Being a mother is hard.  But it's also amazing.

And even if things went very very wrong with my own mother, I am not doomed to repeat her errors. She did teach me lots of great things about how to be a mom, and also, from her I learned to never ever regret the gift of my children.

Okay.  Enough, sappy for now.

Or, maybe not.

That first Christmas with Peter a friend gave me this ornament.  I prayerful mother.
I don't think this really needs any explanation at all.  It is, just, perfect.
It's so perfect, in fact, that every single year I think about keeping it out
and hanging in my room some place rather than packing it away with the Christmas ornaments.  

 Kind of different, but along the same lines....

Last year when I went to pick out the kids ornaments for the year, I found this one.
It is of course, Mama Jumbo rocking her baby Dumbo.
When you push the button, it plays part of "Baby Mine."

When I found this ornament in the store last year, I teared up at the sight of it.  I originally wanted to get it for Lucy, as she was my last baby, and last year (at age 1) was her last year that I could legitimately still call her a baby.  But the ornament was sold out.  All that was left was the sample hanging in the store.  I begged to buy it.  They said I could, but they couldn't find the box, and they couldn't sell it to me without the box.

I left my name and number for them to call me if it turned up and chose something else for Lucy.  But a week later they found the box and they called me so now it is one of my mother ornaments.

It still makes me cry.

Peter, A.J. and Lucy will always be my babies, but I have to be honest with myself and admit that not one of them is actually a baby anymore.....

The mostly-annually post where I ramble semi-nostalgically about my birthday....

Well, it's that time of year again, my birthday.  And as usual, I'm having to force myself to care very much.

36, for some reason, SEEMS a lot older than 35, but really I don't feel like a grown up most of the time anyway, let alone one who's suddenly a lot closer to 40 than to 30, so... whatever.

Peter is very into the idea of my birthday.  Once Matt reminded him yesterday about it, he kept asking me what kind of birthday I was going to have.  I think he meant, like, which character.  He had an Elmo birthday when he was 1, and Cars when he was 2, Nemo at 3, Team Umizoomi at 4, and now Captain America last week at 5.  A.J. is of course, less into worrying about such things, but if you're wondering, she's had Minnie Mouse, Dora and Bubble Puppy.

And all that really means is how I decorated their cakes.

For the record, I asked Matt to make me this pineapple coconut cake I saw on Facebook a couple of weeks ago, so I guess that means I'm having a pineapple coconut birthday.  Or something.

Peter was very into helping Matt make that cake last night.  A.J. helped some too.  (It always amazes me when my husband has the patience to let them help him cook. I'm sure they make it 150 times harder than if they didn't try to help.)  Anyway, all the helping kept them up WAY past a reasonable-even-for-summer bedtime and there was a lot of epic melting down HORRIBLENESS from my first born last night.

Maybe that's contributing to my lack of excitement this morning.

Peter also keep asking me what I "want" for my birthday.

I keep trying to explain to him that at my age, a birthday it isn't really about presents.  I mean... maybe it is for some people, but I work hard every day in this material world, to show my kids that life isn't about STUFF.  Sure, there is some stuff that if given to me today might make me happy, but then again, there are a lot more wonderful non-material things that I'd rather receive.  I told Peter his present to me today could be behaving and refraining from fighting with his sister.  He looked confused at me.  So far, it's not quite 10am and he's only been to time out once today (for spitting on his sister.)

I was thinking about my own birthdays when I was a kid just now while I was waiting for the microwave to cook my breakfast.

When I was 5, I asked my mom for a fireworks cake.  I was very obsessed with the 4th of July that year, realizing for the first time probably how the holiday fell right before my special day.  It was chocolate, and round and she iced in in white and decorated it with pink and blue (red is hard to make with icing) fireworks drawn in icing.

I'm in my swim suit because I spent basically that entire summer(and the one after it) in our little back yard pool.  We took lessons some place too, I think, in the mornings  for part of the summer, but every afternoon my brother and I were out in our back yard, splashing around in our little pool.  I learned to swim in that pool.  I mean, sure I was taking lessons, but it was in that little foot and half of water deep circle that I figured out how to hold my breath underwater and blow bubbles and to kick and to paddle around and to basically love the water.

I was just standing in my kitchen a minute ago staring out the window at our own little back yard pool when it hit me.  Peter, just a few days ago, figured out how to swim in much the same manner as I did in our little pool.  He's the same age I was.  It's weird how history is repeating itself.

I like it when the good parts of my own childhood come back around in my kids' own lives.  It's also weird to me that as I look back, I can so clearly remember many of the cakes and the celebrations we had (even though I never did get a party- oh the woes of having a summer birthday back then) but I have absolutely no recollection about the actual presents, any of them.

Anyway, the next summer, when I was 6 my mom made me a cabbage patch kid cake.  It was just a big rectangle cake that she iced in a dull yellow color and stuck little plastic cabbage patch figurines on top of.  I have this hazy memory of being at a store and helping my mom pick out those figurines.  The cake might not have been all that impressive but I loved those little dolls.

It's funny, looking at the picture now, to realize that I guess there were only 4 of them.  I would have guessed there were more.  I remember thinking the cheerleader one was the best thing ever.  I played with those silly little figurines a lot for years to come.  Still can't tell you for the life of me what presents I got.

Maybe I got my bike one of those 2 years.  I know I've had it my mind for years that age 5 is when you get a bike and maybe that's why.  Mine was blue with a long banana seat and flowers.  It was beautiful.  

Actually, speaking of presents, most years my Mom was the queen of using my mid-summer birthday for buying me school clothes.  If she had to spend money I guess, why not do it on something useful?  A legitimate gift to be sure, but at some point I do recall realizing that my brother got new school clothes in the summer too, even though it wasn't his birthday.  I was probably just as obsessed with material things as Peter is these days back then.  The only difference it, we didn't have a whole horrible lot, so I guess I was always left wanting stuff.

It's probably good to want stuff.

I think wanting stuff made me work harder to be successful and all of that.  Not sure if I/We actually AM/ARE successful now, but, I would say, we're certainly more able to get the stuff I want, if I choose.

And then of course I realize that our success and accompanying ability to get our children the stuff they want, has now made them somewhat greedy and entitled and they just expect to get all the stuff they want.

Ew.

Last night when Peter was melting down because it was late and his room was a disaster and I dared to tell him he had to help clean it up and then he gave me some serious SASS about how hard is life is and how I make him do "EEEEVERYTHIIIIIING" I started taking away his toys.  This is a frequent disciplinary action around here, when they get greedy about needing more junk or refuse to clean up after themselves they start losing items.  If they fight over toys, they get taken away too.  Usually the items go to the garage for a lengthy vacation but sometimes, like if it's things they never play with or that just irritate me, the items just go away in general.

It's not a perfect system, but my kids do have too much junk and while I am honestly happy to be able to give it all to them, I will not have them turning into greedy little entitled monsters because their parents are "successful" enough to be able to get them stuff.

Ugh.

Where am I going with this?

I don't know.

I never know.

I'm sure everybody stopped reading multiple paragraphs ago anyway.

I guess as I'm getting older I just worry about the big picture.  I used to sit in church and wonder, if there was no heaven and promise of salavation, if people would still love and appreciate Jesus and everything he tried to teach us.

Like, do Christians follow Jesus and accept his sacrifice because they want to be forgiven and to feel like they spent their time on Earth living the best way they could.... or do people just really want the promise of the after life?

Its kind of disgusting thought.

Accepting and loving and following Jesus isn't supposed to be about the reward, but I fear that for most people it kind of is.

Like, when I was a kid, I'm sure it was.

But now I just kind of want to live my life well.  I want people to think that I was a good, kind, nice, generous person.  I want my children to remember me as loving and kind.  I want my children to grow up to be loving and kind.

And Jesus/Christianity is a big part of that.  It's our moral center.  Our guidelines.  If we try to live our lives as Jesus did, helping and loving and accepting others (instead of judging,) making sacrifices if necessary to help others... concentrating more on the quality of our actions, the quality of our relationships and less on the quantity (and quality) of our stuff, that is what it's all about.  At least that's what I believe.

And I don't mean to get all churchy, but, well, it's  my birthday and I'm rambling here and this is just where my words took me.

I remember back when I was turning 5 and 6 years old and my whole entire life stretched endlessly before me.  My life wasn't perfect, sure, but in many senses, it was as easy and as good and as innocent as it was ever going to get.  What happened to that?

Time went on.  Stuff happened.  I got jaded and bitter and scared.

I wish I could have my children's innocence back.

But at the same time, there are certain life lessons, I just can't wait for them to learn.

Last week, my husband's Grandmother (Lucille- the one we names Lucy after) fell and broke her leg.  She's in her 90s.  And even though I've known all along her age, and how her time with us might be drawing short, I feel like suddenly my mortality... all of our mortality.... is slapping me in the face.  

I'm certainly not old.  No where near it.  But I'm not getting any younger either.

With 3 kids, time is flying and before I know it, they will be grown and Matt and I will be old and retired and really, that's only if we're lucky.

I just want to be a good person. ( A good wife.  A loving mother.) 

And I want my children to be too.

Who can give me THAT for my birthday?